Confession

Since I started this blog and posting stories about our lives with T1, when I run into friends and family around town I am greeted with comments like, "I have been reading your blog.  You are such a great parent.  Ben is lucky to have you."  Now it is always nice to receive compliments, especially when they are about my parenting (my very most important job.)  If I am to be totally honest I save the good stories for my blog and keep the bad stories (like when I had a "rage" fit over the pile of shoes at the front door) to myself.  But I feel the time has come for a full T1 mom confession.

This November I made an early 2013 New Year's resolution.  In an attempt to better train for the Cohasset Triathlon this coming June, I made a commitment to run a 5K a month.  I started with an early morning Thanksgiving 5K and last week I ran a 4 mile Toys for Tots run.  When I was getting ready to leave last weekend I asked my oldest, Garren, if we wanted to come.  He turned me down because he had an afternoon hockey practice. As I returned to tying my shoes Ben came running over and said, "Mom, I want to run!" 

Now a super T1 mom would most likely respond, "Great.  Go get your shoes on!"  But as you might be able to guess, that is not exactly how I responded.  I thought to myself (hopefully not revealing anything on my face), "Ugh."  Bringing Ben would mean bringing test kits and glucose tabs.  Plus, I have never run with him before.  I had no idea how a 4 mile run would affect him.  It was going to be a struggle just for me to finish.  How can I run and take care of Ben?  

God, just typing that makes me feel badly!  Because in the end Ben didn't come.  I was selfish and scared and I convinced him it would be best to try running something shorter at home first and train for the next 5K.

What had happened to the mother who had made the commitment to never let T1 prevent Ben from doing anything!?

Just two posts ago I had written about how hard it is to say “No” to Ben.  What kind of T1 mom says “Yes” to a popsicle but then “No” to exercise?  I thought about that very question while I was running.  I think there were two main reasons I discouraged Ben from joining me.  

First, I was scared.  The thought of running with Ben in a pack of people and him having a low or even just losing sight of him was unnerving.  I imagined myself wanting to stop and test his blood sugar every 10 minutes. And if I couldn't constantly check him I would instead constantly ask him, "Ben, how ... (huff) ... are you ... (puff) ... feeling?" 

Secondly, I wanted to run just for me. I am already the slowest runner (really I am more a fast walker). If I were to attempt to run and manage Ben's diabetes I would have likely ended up just walking.  And I wanted to run and focus on myself for an hour and not worry about diabetes.  Selfish maybe, but the truth yes.

Something else occurred to me as I was huffing and puffing my way through my run. Three years ago when Ben was first diagnosed Jeff and I had decided that we would make a commitment to regular exercise in the hope we would inspire Ben to do the same.  I had successfully done that very thing, Ben wanted to run too.  And now it was time to push past the fear and help Ben learn how to manage his diabetes while running a 5K.

So I am ending 2012 with no "mother of the year" awards.  But I am starting 2013 with one more New Year’s resolution.  Not only will I be continuing my commitment to running a 5K a month, but I will also start training Ben to run his very own 5K too!