Failure

When I post my stories
I often receive nice comments like
“You’re such a great mom”
Which sometimes feels like false praise
Because I am not
Not even close

Often I fail
And fail a lot
Like I did last week
Starting on Monday, President’s Day
(Bear with me, this is a long one)

Everyone was home and we had no hockey
We didn’t know what to do with ourselves
So we settled on a movie
Because they are showing at same time,
Boys would watch The Lego Movie
Jeff and I would watch Philomenia
But this would only work
If we made it to the next showing!

As we rushed to get our coats on
Jeff asked Ben, “How much insulin is left in your pump?”
“18 units”
Which sounded like enough
Enough to ALMOST make it through the rest of the day
Accept
We were going to the movies
And movies ALWAYS = high blood sugar
High blood sugar = lots of corrections
Lots of corrections = lots of insulin
Lots of insulin = a lot LESS insulin left in pump
Did I stop and think all this?
Not while I was busy figuring out which scarf looked the cutest with my coat

FAIL

Off we went
With D-bag packed
And my cute gray infinity scarf

After movie
And after correcting Ben’s 325 BG
We had plans to go to a friend’s house for dinner
I had volunteered to bring a nut-free dessert
And I had waited until the last minute to get it

FAIL

So I drove from bakery to grocery store to farm stand
Finding anything truly nut-free isn’t as easy as I had thought
Finally found some chocolates that shouldn’t send anyone to the hospital
Raced back home just in time
To pack up family and headed out

Had a lovely dinner
While kid’s watched Adventure Time
Enjoyed some adult conversation
Then in walked Ben
“Pump is alarming … Low reservoir”
Thought “Crap”
Instead nonchalantly said, “OK, we will be leaving soon.”
Continued chatting
Lost track of time
Didn’t leave soon

FAIL

Eventually, Jeff whispered in my ear
“Ben ate your nut-free chocolate
He is high again with no insulin
We need to go”
Felt rude
But could no longer ignore Ben’s diabetes
Abruptly left

When we got home
Piled out of van
Asked Ben, “Where is your d-bag?”
“Oh oh”

FAIL

As we walked in the house
Jeff pulled out insulin and pump supplies and asked Ben for his pump
I pulled out phone book
Before I could dial the phone rang
“Hello, I think you left Ben’s backpack”
It was late
And I was tired (though I am always tired)
So decided to pick up d-bag the next day

FAIL

Inside Ben’s d-bag was his BG tester
But we had some old test kits in the cupboards
Dug them out along with old test strips
But it was unclear if the test strips had expired

FAIL

But … we had CGM
It was still in Ben’s pocket
If the test strip results were close to CGM readings
Decided we would be OK using what we had
And they did
So we changed Ben’s set
Corrected one more time
And headed to bed

Everyone was sleeping
I was sleeping
CGM buzzed
Low battery warning
Dragged myself out of my warm bed
Looked for charger but couldn’t find it
Slowly remembered
Charger was in d-bag!
At our friend’s house!

FAIL

Now resorted to praying
Praying the CGM battery lasted through the night
Tried to sleep
But CGM kept buzzing
Now Ben was low
Double checked with test strip
But there was only a few left

FAIL

Gave Ben a juice box
Watched CGM waiting for BG to start rising
Wanted to double check with tester
But needed to conserve the potentially expired strips
Night BG can be very stubborn
And it was
Ended up being a 4 juice box night

Next morning needed to work
So planned to pick up left behind d-bag before lunch
Boys stayed home playing x-box
Before I left reminded boys they were in charge
“Call me if you have any questions.  I will be right back.”
I started off on what was supposed to be my 40 minute round trip
It started to snow
Wasn’t too worried because if was going to be a small storm
At least that is what they said last night

FAIL

On my way home with d-bag in car
Snow was now very, very heavy
White out conditions
Only know I am still on the road because following tail lights in front of me
Started to panic
My 40 min trip turned into an hour and a half
And I had left my T1 son alone with his brothers
Without proper equipment
And now I can’t get back to him

FAIL

Cellphone rang
It was Ben,
“Hello Mom, Where are you?”
“Are you ok?”
“I am fine, just nervous because you aren’t here.”
“I am almost there.  I am sooooo sorry.”

And I was sorry

Sorry I had messed up so badly
Over and over again
I started writing this blog in my head
Counting all the times I had failed Ben in the last 24 hours

FAIL
FAIL
FAIL
FAIL
FAIL

FAIL

FAIL
FAIL
FAIL
FAIL

That was 10 times!  10 chances to make a different decision and potentially avoid the white-knuckle drive through an afternoon blizzard.  10 chances to stop the madness!

See …
I am not the greatest mom
NOT EVEN CLOSE
But I keep trying
And maybe what I should be doing right now
Is stop writing this post
And go double check how much insulin is left in Ben’s pump
And double check all our backup supplies
And maybe even take a nap

(Actually … I think I might just start with the nap)